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(If podcasts aren’t your thing, you can find a digest of the podcast below. Alternatively if videos are your thing, you can watch the recording of the podcast here.)
When did being calm in the face of global turmoil become the holy grail of personal development?
Look, we’re all for nervous system regulation. But there’s a big difference between being reactive and having a very reasonable emotional response to a stressor.
Feeling something big and deeply doesn’t mean you’re broken. And “being chill” isn’t the goal of healing.
In this episode, we (Leona and Ana) are breaking down one of the most misunderstood concepts in the somatic world: dysregulation.
What Dysregulation Is Not
Let’s start here: big emotions are not the same as being dysregulated.
People throw the word around constantly. "I was so dysregulated," they say. But often, what they really mean is: I felt something big and uncomfortable.
That’s not dysregulation. That’s called being human.
One example Ana gave: someone says they were dysregulated after an argument with their boyfriend. But then you learn the boyfriend was gaslighting them, again. That reaction? Very appropriate. That’s not dysregulation—that’s a nervous system doing its job.
We’re living in a world where even somatic language gets co-opted by the same forces that have always taught us to bypass our emotional truth. The same forces that say big emotions are bad, that “good vibes only” is enlightenment, that staying calm means you’re evolved.
It’s just toxic positivity in a new outfit.
So What Is Dysregulation?
Although in reality it’s more broad than this, dysregulation is largely about stuckness.
It means you get activated in response to a stressor (as you should!)—but then you stay stuck there, even after the stressor has passed. Or, your level of reaction is way out of proportion to the context (this is more of a nuanced gray area, but with still some clear boundaries).
There are two key markers:
Lack of flexibility: You can’t move in and out of different states based on the environment.
Inappropriate level of response: You react with a level 9 intensity to a level 3 situation—or you feel nothing in a moment that clearly calls for a response.
Ana gave a live example. While recording this episode in Yosemite, a man walked by, ranting angrily. Her nervous system picked up on potential threat, froze, assessed, and then returned to baseline once he was gone.
That’s a healthy nervous system. That’s regulation.
If she had stayed frozen and hypervigilant long after he left, that might signal dysregulation instead.
Dysregulation Doesn’t Mean You’re Bad
This part matters: saying someone is dysregulated is not a moral judgment.
It doesn’t mean they’re bad or wrong or unworthy. It means their system is still carrying an overwhelm it hasn’t yet metabolized.
And yet, we see "dysregulation" weaponized as a superiority badge in wellness spaces. That’s not only harmful—it misses the point entirely.
We’ve all experienced dysregulation. It’s intense. It takes over. And it’s not something to pathologize. It's something to meet with compassion, and care.
Your Nervous System Isn’t Broken for Feeling
Anger, fear, grief—these are not bad emotions. They’re uncomfortable, yes. But they evolved to help us survive.
They are your body’s way of saying: something matters here.
Suppressing them doesn’t make them go away. It just teaches your system that expression isn’t safe.
Instead, we need to move the energy through: run, shake, breathe, sound, cry, dance. Children do this instinctively. Adults unlearn it because we’ve been taught it’s socially unacceptable behavior. And our nervous systems are struggling because of it.
Ana shared: trying to calm herself down before a date by listening to peaceful music never helped. But blasting angry rap and letting her body move with it? That allowed her to process the activation energy in her system which was then able to naturally bring itself back to calm(er).
Regulation isn’t about being serene all the time. It’s about your system knowing how to move through activation and return to center.
Regulating Isn’t About Flattening
In somatic practice, we sometimes see facilitators misinterpret activation as a problem to fix. They see someone expressing emotion and rush to bring them back to calm.
But here’s the nuance:
Sometimes yes, we guide people back into regulation to build nervous system resilience.
But other times, the work is to stay with the activation, at a manageable level, and allow it to move.
Otherwise, we’re just recreating the same disconnection under a new banner of "healing."
Leona put it beautifully: it is not just normal—it is perfect that sometimes we feel discomfort. Regulation means letting that be okay, and knowing how to stay connected to ourselves through it.
Practice: Take Manageable Sips
So how do we build capacity to process emotions?
We start with manageable sips. Not a level 10 outburst. Not total dissociation. But level 2, 3, or 4. Feel it. Move it. Let it through.
Teach your nervous system: this is safe. You can do this. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
And please remember: you are not broken for having emotions. You’re alive.
Sometimes all your system needs is a moment of acknowledgement:
"Hey babe, I see you. That makes sense. What do you need right now? A song? A walk? A cry? A friend?"
That validation alone can shift everything.
Soma Check-In
We closed the episode with a practice we call a Soma Check-In. Try it now:
Say out loud: In my body, I’m noticing [a physical sensation]
Then say: And I’m experiencing [an emotion]
Example: In my body, I’m noticing a soft pressure on my shoulders. And I’m experiencing relief.
This simple practice builds connection. Awareness. And—over time—resilience.
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